One thing that has been on my mind lately, is the fear of childbirth (technical name, tocophobia).
Sometimes women are afraid of childbirth prior to having any children, and this is not really surprising — after all, the average woman will have seen few actual births, but only those portrayed in movies and on soap operas. Of course, those are all not just dramatized (fake) but are typically dramatic — water breaks and the woman has to get in the hospital this instant or the world will come to an end!! Or she’s stuck in the backside of nowhere in labor with just her husband (yes, I still remember when Jennifer had Abby on Days of Our Lives, and Jack was the only other person in the cabin, with serious snow outside), and everybody is panicking. Or labor is portrayed as the worst and most awful thing that it is possible to endure, until the magic epidural comes and makes everything all right. The other thing that is now available on TV, that I didn’t have as a child, are shows like “A Baby Story” which do portray actual births, but I notice that an inordinantly high number of those end in a C-section, or are otherwise highly interventive; and I’m not surprised that this leads to a fear of birth prior to the woman’s actually giving birth the first time. And this doesn’t even begin to touch on all the labor and birth horror stories that mothers for some reason feel so imperative to scare first-time pregnant women with.
Other women, however, have given birth before, and this experience has made them scared to have any more. Some women may choose never to have any more children at all (this happened to a friend of mine; her daughter is now about 8-9 years old). Or they may choose a C-section because they can accept pain from surgery and the attendant post-op pain (which may be manageable by narcotics), but they fear the lengthy but intermittent pain from labor. But there are other options.
After her first very painful birth, this woman was terrified to give birth again, but she chose to overcome her fears by using hypnosis to relax during labor. If you watch the video on that link, you’ll notice that they show a few clips from an online video of a woman using hypnosis during labor. That woman in the video was Independent Childbirth Educator Sheridan from EnjoyBirth blog whose painless childbirth using hypnosis (Hypnobabies) was what this Georgia mom saw that gave her the courage to try to give birth again. [I'll clarify that although the news story referred to hypnosis during birth as "HypnoBirth," that is a name for a particular type of childbirth hypnosis, and Hypnobabies is another, and it was this type that Sheridan used during birth, and what she teaches.]
The fear of childbirth is very real. And it’s understandable, considering all the negative images surrounding birth that we are bombarded by almost from our own births — and considering that most of us were born in less-than-ideal circumstances ourselves (my mom was under general anesthesia and given an episiotomy, and I assume I was dragged out of her womb by my head), perhaps it might be not too big of a stretch to say that we are surrounded with negative birth images from the time of our birth. But all too often, doctors are just willing to tell women who are afraid of childbirth, “Oh, don’t worry about a thing — if you don’t want to give birth, we can give you a C-section.” While I can accept that women should have the right to choose to give birth as they wish, I wish that doctors (and others) would give a little extra time to ask a woman why she’s afraid, and see if they can work through her fears, rather than just cutting her open unnecessarily. If her fear is irrational yet she holds onto it, fine, give her a C-section; but if she has a rational but misguided fear (for example, I heard recently of women who want a C-section because of a fear of their “vaginas exploding”), then get to the root of the fear! Instead of treating her like a little child who is afraid of getting her dress mussed by going outside, treat her like the rational woman she is, and give her true information to combat the
F-alse
E-ducation
A-ppearing
R-eal.
February 11, 2009 at 6:18 pm
Hey! I’ve got a great contest that is actually relative to your post up on my blog if you’re interested:)
February 11, 2009 at 7:03 pm
Doulangel is talking about this contest: http://birthmattersva.org/videocontest.html
It would be great if you could help us spread the word and solicit videos!!
March 22, 2009 at 6:24 am
I’m not buying it. I am tokophobic and there is no way I want to hear some doctor BSing me about my phobia. I would want the thing taken out of me, under a general, and I don’t want to have to argue it or negotiate it. Education DOES NOT WORK for some of us. It only made my phobia 100x worse. Those books and those graphic videos gave me nightmares. That’s when I had an abortion. There are people, like the author of this piece, who just don’t get it. Birth is violent and disgusting and we shouldn’t have to suffer it in this day and age if we don’t want to.
July 25, 2009 at 6:07 pm
Abortion is usually never the right thing because you are killing a perfect baby. If you didn’t want it, give it to someone who wants one. I think of abortion as killing a life instead of saving one. Some people want a baby who can’t concieve and are always looking for one who is in need of a home. So remember: abortion is never the right thing.
August 1, 2009 at 8:51 pm
“Don’t wanna hear it,”
While I agree with you on abortion, your comment doesn’t really have anything to do with the topic at hand. It makes me think you didn’t even read before commenting. “Not buying it” had an abortion *not* because she didn’t want to raise a child, but because she didn’t want to go through birth. The adoption option is a non-issue in this case, because if she had felt able to give birth, she would have kept her baby. It wasn’t “the baby” she didn’t want — it was “the birth.” Most women choose an abortion because they don’t want to raise the baby; but this case is an exception. Please read more carefully next time, so you can actually contribute to the discussion, rather than just throwing out “givethebabyupforadoption” every time you see abortion under discussion.
It is very sad that any woman would have such a fear of childbirth as being so disgusting and necessarily violent that she would rather have an abortion than go through it. For myself, I didn’t find birth either disgusting or violent; and I would wish that all women could feel as loved, protected, safe, and empowered as I was during birth. But the birth culture must change in order for that to become the norm.
November 22, 2009 at 3:55 pm
Good answer!
January 11, 2013 at 4:59 pm
Isn’t abortion pretty violent and disgusting as well? I don’t think they usually give general anesthesia for that…
March 29, 2009 at 11:57 am
I am that mom from GA, and I had an awesome birth experience the second time around. I have also been able to use my story to encourage others, some moms who might have had less than enjoyable birth experiences the first time.
To the previous commenter…Hypnobabies does not use graphic videos or books, although you do get to watch birth videos if you take the course. And you would see that those births were neither violent nor disgusting. MY son’s birth was neither violent nor disgusting, it was actually the most amazing day of my life and I really resent your comment.
March 31, 2009 at 4:17 am
A poem by Rilke from “Book of Hours”
God speaks to each of us as he makes us, then walks with us silently out of the night.
These are words we dimly hear:
/You, sent out beyond your recall,
go to the limits of your longing.
Embody me/.
Flare up like flames
and make big shadows I can move in.
Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror.
Just keep going. No feeling is final.
Don’t let yourself lose me.
Nearby is the country they call life.
You will know it by its seriousness.
Give me your hand.
March 31, 2009 at 10:09 pm
Not Buying It,
I am so sorry that you have such fear about birth. I think the Education that you got has made your fear worse, which is a shame. Certainly moms should have the choice of how they want to birth. A mom with such a deep fear may find that a cesarean is a better option for her. But I think that for most women, birth can be a beautiful event.
Hugs to you.
April 2, 2009 at 2:06 am
Appreciated your post. I also am a Natural Childbirth Educator. I attended the Controversies in Childbirth Conference this past weekend (3/27-3/29/09) and this topic was addressed, briefly. I believe that everything comes back to this issue. If we could eliminate the fear, we could lower the epidural rate and c-sections rate. We would have more women breastfeeding their babies.
I have stumbled across your blog before. We either must be writing about some of the same topics (not surprising) or interested in the same things (again, not surprising).
April 10, 2009 at 6:57 am
I’m the original poster who wrote I’m not buying it and I am still not buying it, Adensmom. Great that you had a wonderful experience, and I never said you didn’t. I am saying you don’t understand that what is wonderful for you could be DEVASTATING for me. I tried hypnosis for another malady, and it was a joke for me. Ended up with a wicked panic attack at the dental surgeon and had to stop the procedure. Still have the impacted wisdom tooth 19 years later. I have to be knocked out to do anything because I don’t like being cut or tearing while I am awake. I don’t have to have your experience, I don’t expect you to understand mine. What I do expect, do DEMAND, is that you understand that your experience won’t work for me. I don’t deserve to be judged or abused and I never said anything about your experience. Glad it worked for you, but I still view childbirth as violent and gross. I don’t want my body torn. I don’t want my body cut. I don’t want to bleed all over the place. I don’t want those things to happen, period. Unfortunately, there is no way to avoid those things, so I don’t have a child. But those normal birth occurances are gross and violent in my eyes, and I won’t tolerate it. I deserve better. If medical science can’t give me something better, I can’t participate. That doesn’t mean it’s not right for you. It means that it isn’t right for me. You don’t get it. Tokophobics can’t always be treated. Not everyone with ANY phobia can always be treated. Some can, some can’t. We need a csection under a general with no contact with the process at all. Or, no baby. So, I don’t get to have a baby in my life. Someday women like me will be treated better. Too late for me, though.
February 16, 2010 at 7:30 pm
I was also tokophobic and now it is too late for me to have children,those times are over,so I completely understand your fears.My mother told me her stories about my birth and it was a bit scary for me to consider.My aunt had just one child because she was scared to have another,her experience wasn’t good for her and now her daughter and husband never had children either and a friend of hers died during childbirth so that scared her as well.It is depressing to have this fear but I try to accept it and move forward,it isn’t easy but I have no choice now.God bless!
April 12, 2009 at 10:33 pm
Not Buying It, I hear your fear and behind your fear I acknowledge your pain and suffering. Please accept my deepest sympathies for the wounding to your soul (whatever event that did the wounding). I want to encourage you to seek healing from a Birth Trauma professional. Birth trauma can occur at birth, or before birth, or at the birth of our children—all of these traumas will leave patterns of pain and disconnection in our life until the original trauma is acknowledged and addressed.
These patterns persist because our bodies are self-regulating and self healing, so a negative pattern (such as tokophobia) will continue until the original event that caused the fear is acknowledged and addressed. Body/Mind therapy (not talk therapy) is a therapy that releases shock and trauma. Please visit the websites below for more information:
http://www.tenmoonsrising.org
http://www.emersonbirthrx.com
http://www.castellinotraining.com/process
I also want to praise your fear for keeping you safe (that is the sole purpose of fear). Fear has done its’ job well. However, when you find that this pattern of fear is no longer working for you and you’re ready to forgo this fear for growth then there will be people who can help you. Dr. Bruce Lipton, PhD explains that our cells (our body, our mind) can only be in protection mode or growth mode, but it can not do both at the same time. Justifying fear patterns perpetuates these patterns and keeps us stuck in limited thinking.
Thank you for sharing your opinion on this forum. It takes great courage to be an opposing voice.
July 17, 2009 at 11:25 pm
I’ve been searching online forever for something on this topic! and I found what I’ve been looking for right here. I’ve recently decided on an elective c-section. its unbelievable the amount of stigma attached to it when I say it to people. but they do not understand the fear behind it.
not buying it – THANK U 4 speaking out about your fear. I’m right there with u …. except I’m 6 mos pregnant! I’ve cried almost everyday. I’m so scared of childbirth. I hate the thought of this baby coming out of my vagina, ripping me open, not having sex for months because of the pain, the agony of labor, all the diguisting things and liquids coming out of my body AND not to mention the aftermath, swollen & stitched vagina, the baby pouch in the gut, sexual dissatification for both us (pain for me, looseness for him). I swore if I had to have it vaginal NO One would be allowed in the room to watch me in this humiliating, vulnerable state. I wanted to have an abortion just to avoid delivery and pregnancy. but my husband begged me not to. he wanted a child. I prayed I’d get over this fear as I progressed. thinking the excitement of it all would over ride the fears. but now 6 mos later is only worsed. I cry all the time, I can’t sleep. I’m so jealous of women who don’t have this fear, who enjoys their pregnancies. the fear leads to depression when the fear becomes real by being pregnant. I’ve become isolated & just really sad, which is really out of character for me. I cancelled my own baby shower! this stuff is very real and aweful for those of us who suffer from it. I just learned my dr will do the elective c-section. I’m going to do it, but still feel uncomfortable with just being naked, sliced open & mutilated. there’s just no decent way to get this baby out! I pray for the day this is all over with & I have my baby in my arms & the whole ordeal is over with. 9 mos of agony feels like a lifetime when you’re going through it.
June 2, 2011 at 3:20 pm
@joan – I wonder how you got on since this post was a while ago? – I hope you managed and now have a lovely, healthy child. I have been going through very similar thought processes regarding getting pregnant – I am 38 and deeply scared of pregnancy and childbirth – I always have been – I have considered a C-section as my best option but I am also very frightened of having a needle in my spine and being cut open while awake. I have generalized anxiety as well as suffering from a healthy dose of hypochondria – I don’t like the thought of a baby inside me or a baby coming out of me and people looking at my bits and my legs wide open – the whole thing really grosses me out and I just can’t imagine ever doing it. I have nightmares about being pregnant and wake up thinking ‘Thank god that was a dream!’ – I really felt for you when I read your post – I am hoping that when/if I get pregnant I will some how get it together and toughen up and don’t suffer the way you unfortunately did. I feel it’s a real issue and no amount of ‘You’ll be fine, millions of women do it every day and multiple times in their life!’ will help. Best of luck to any one facing their fears and going through with it – my hat goes off to you!
July 18, 2009 at 4:50 pm
Dear Joan ~
What you are experiencing may be due to all the myths and lies that have been told for decades now. For example, every woman’s vagina from every birth is swollen and stitched. Yes, that’s a myth. Tears and swollen vaginas might (emphasis on ‘might’) happen in any birth BUT it is most likely to occur with a medically managed birth where an un-natural labor pattern is induced (pun intended) AND routine or un-necessary episiotomies occur. Please see the post on “You Can’t Get There From Here.”
However, I would never say that you are wrong for choosing elective cesarean. I will say that you are making the best choice you can based on who you are and knowing yourself. There should be no stigma attached with making that choice. Rather there should be an entire sense of shame among the medical birth community that their practices have come to this and have created you and more women like you. Your sense of self in your body should be healthy and positive. I’ve been with woman who are completely uncomfortable, whatever word you choose, with the amount of bodily fluids that can come with childbirth. Yet, they’re quick to tell us, their birth support team, to please wipe things up as soon as we can so they don’t have to see it; they’re not asking for a cesarean instead.
I do have another question to ask though. Have you considered looking for a doctor who will do a cesarean under general instead? I had one done that way. Many will argue that it’s too much anesthesia or some such. Do your homework….my personal opinion is that it’s soley because some practitioners are uncomfortable with their skills that they won’t do it. My obstetrician (under whose care was not how my cesarean came about but the c/s was due to routine interventions) had excellent surgical skills and did the operation, I was told, in record time and with excellent sewing. I had no complications from the surgery. The same doctor, bless his skills and intelligence that no one seems to have today, went on to champion a natural VBAC for me which I accomplished successfully. I have to admit that I did not have much of the PTSD associated with cesareans today and I believe it is because I was not forced to be awake/alert/conscious for the surgery. Whatever memory I have of it is on a sub-conscious level and for me that’s a good place for it: it lead me to say I don’t want another surgical delivery.
I hope that you can find someone, some ‘thing’ out there to help you find some peace until the birth occurs. My heart goes out to you that you cannot enjoy this pregnancy. I can’t say that it’s healthy and again I say, shame on the medical birth community.
Peace and be well,
Dale
August 11, 2009 at 6:21 pm
I too have had such fear of pregnancy and childbirth, that I had an abortion at 9 weeks. Before that I cried every day, drank chemicals to try to induce an abortion, and punched myself in the stomach over and over. My husband even took me to a hypnotherapist to try to calm my fears. I was terrified of going through labour. I was a breech baby and my Mom nearly died having me (no c-section in those days). My Grandma lost her mother during childbirth. My great aunt died trying to give herself an abortion. Fear of childbirth and bad childbirth runs in my family. I would give anything for a child of my own but I just can’t get past the terror. I can’t watch actors portraying childbirth in a tv show, and frequently wake up from nightmares about it. It’s a terrible thing that no one understands. My own family criticizes me for not having children, and it hurts so badly. I am a university educated, successful woman, but I feel as though I have failed in life. I am glad to see there are others like me out there, as I have felt so alone.
February 16, 2010 at 7:44 pm
Hi Pat,you are not alone,a also had the fear and thought I was alone with this as well,I feel awful because a lot of my old high school friends have children and they put them on Facebook which makes me even more sad.My mom scared me about child birth and my aunt had a bad experience with my cousin and she never had anymore children and my cousin and her husband didn’t have any because a friend of theirs died during childbirth so it scared her and she is also a university grad and a professional.So I completely understand your fears.I cannot have children now anyway,went thru an early menopause at age 41.So now I am not sure how to feel but to just carry on and move forward,it is hard but I try not to think about it anymore.God bless you!
August 15, 2009 at 12:07 am
The second time I gave birth was very different from the first time. I felt very much in control of the situation and I did things the way *I* wanted, no one else could tell me what to do (especially not the doctor, who was a complete jerk).
I did not have an episiotemy, I was not naked, or “cut open” or any such thing. I didn’t even use the stirrups at all (terrible idea in my opinion). I gave birth in the hospital, yes, but I was laying back in a semi-sitting position against my fiance, who was supporting me the whole time. That was how *I* was comfortable, that was what I wanted to do. Some women want to be squatting, or on their hands and knees or whatever. But *I* was the one who gave birth, not the doctor. I did it BY MYSELF, all on my own. He was in the room but I didn’t care, he didn’t matter at all.
I was a little bit sore, yes. I had a couple stitches for two SMALL tears. It wasn’t that bad, it didn’t take long to heal at all. And the whole “your vagina will be loose after you give birth” thing is just not true AT ALL. I think pretty much any woman who has given birth vaginally will tell you that it’s not true. Everything snaps right back into place, actually after I had my first child I noticed that it was “tighter” not looser, and more sensetive (but not in a bad way).
Fear is a powerful thing.
And hypnosis only works if you open yourself up to it
August 25, 2009 at 3:05 pm
God bless you, Joan. I know how you feel. I would have been the same way if I had to go through a pregnancy. I even got to the point where I not only contemplated suicide, but I was so mad at the person who threatened to expose the pregnancy before the abortion that I genuinely threatened to kill her. You are my hero for even going through it. I would NEVER consider it. It’s just so vile. Good for you, though.
I wish you a safe journey, if such a thing is possible. Please try to get good mental health support if you need it. No reason to suffer for years on end with nightmares, etc., if that is avoidable. That was a big fear of mine–nightmares, suicide attempts, panic attacks, psyche hospital admissions, hurting the baby in a fit of temper, etc. I am nearly 50 now so I got through the gauntlet without having a baby, so I am starting to feel safe. But I wouldn’t believe a word of the birthers–they have an agenda. Do what is right for you. Good luck.
And yes, those videos are gross and violent. Watching the baby’s head pop out is soooo gross. No way am I doing that to myself. Like I said before, I deserve better, and so does everybody else.
August 27, 2009 at 2:06 pm
“Not buying it,”
The last paragraph of your statement reminded me of part of this interview with Rixa Freeze, describing her journey to birth:
“Discovering the world of midwifery and home birth changed the way I think about birth. I used to see childbirth as disempowering and degrading. I resented that we as women had to go through such a horrible experience. And I felt that men definitely lucked out. Some of these attitudes came from a passive absorption of cultural images and beliefs about birth. In film, for example, giving birth is always horribly painful–the woman is screaming and sweating and out of control, swearing at her husband, and lying on her back with her legs spread open, exposed to the world. In addition, hearing stories of my own experience of being born certainly had an effect on me. My mom gave birth to me upside-down, strung up from the ceiling by her ankles, only her shoulder blades making contact with the bed. This was not her choice. Her physician believed that giving birth upside down would prevent hemorrhoids. My mother screamed to be let down, to no avail. (And she never had hemorrhoids, either, not with my older sister or any of my other siblings who were born more conventionally.) That was all I knew about birth until my graduate student years.”
Hearing these stories does make birth seem disgusting and violent — and these births *are* unnecessarily disgusting and violent. I understand why you feel the way you do. Seriously, I do. It grieves me that any woman would feel this way — mostly because the reason you and others do feel the way you do is because of outside influences that have made it so. The deep fear of childbirth that Pat discussed above, is an example. The violent births shown as “normal” on TV is another.
We “birthers” as you say do have an agenda — it is that women are not so traumatized by birth and the fear of birth that they would harm themselves or go to extreme measures to prevent birth, that they would view birth as empowering instead of violent. And I think that is something to be cheered, not jeered. You may never be able to view birth as I do — that’s understandable — but it is my wish that others are saved from the strangling fear that you have felt all your life.
August 26, 2009 at 1:46 pm
I am a mother of 3 and am now 8 weeks pregnant! I am considering abortion as my birth experiences were so bad (emotionally, not physically) Im scared of the staff being nasty like they were in my last birth when i couldnt push, they even tried to hold me down and force my legs open. It took me 2 1/2 hours to complete what should have taken 10 mins and they constantly threatened me with having to go in an ambulance and how bad that would feel. After the birth they were rude to me cos id taken so long and made such a fuss. All 3 of mine were vaginal deliveries with gas and air and also a pain relief injection (not sure what) but, after reading this post and responses im now considering a cesaerian instead – i just thought who’d look after my children if i were stuck in hosp and stuff like that – i will certainly read more about it before i decide! Thankyou everyone
August 28, 2009 at 10:39 pm
What a horrible experience! That level of “care” shouldn’t happen to anyone! Is there any possibility of being able to switch care providers? I’m assuming you are British (we don’t have “gas and air” in America — I’ve only heard that used in Britain, although other countries might also use it), so I don’t know the particulars about choosing care providers — do you have a choice, or are you going to be mostly stuck with whoever is at the hospital at the time? Here in America, we tend to have several different groups of providers to choose from, and if you don’t like your current doctor/midwife, you can choose another one. No one should have to put up with what you did — is there any sort of complaint process you can go through, so that this sort of thing doesn’t happen to anyone else? Can you choose a different birth-place? Perhaps a home birth, or a different hospital?
May 25, 2010 at 9:26 pm
Darling I just want to say i am sorry that happened to you. I hope your baby came naturally and without the trauma of your previous births. all love and respect. i am from new zealand where birth is usually conducted with midwives who on the majority are caring and supportive and kind. My understanding is that in america, the births you experienced are quite normal because birth is a profit driven industry about making money not protecting and supporting the sacred act of birth. coupled with all the false popular culture images and historical context of medicalised birth its very common to be scared of birth. but we are made to give birth and we should be giving birth in safe quiet dark places supported by kind professionals and our chosen support team.
It is time to reclaim birth.
check out http://www.gentlebirth.org as also has links for birth trauma. you can also get some good stuff for baby/child and mother involved in traumatic births.
September 9, 2009 at 5:24 pm
Oh my goodness, what an awful experience. I feel terrible for you and for anyone who has had such problems.
But let me say that I would never support having an abortion either. I am a great proponent of talking to a psychotherapist or a specialist to work through your fears. Most people don’t like the notion of going to a psychiatrist or therapist but they DO help.
As for having a c-section, I’ve written a lot on the topic and I’ve offered lots of help and support for women who need to have a c-section. I don’t recommend choosing to have one unnecessarily but with extreme childbirth phobias it may be the best option. I would certainly rather see a woman have a c-section if it meant avoiding an abortion.
My prayers are certainly with you.
November 22, 2009 at 4:14 pm
I have been terrified of childbirth since I was 14. In a Catholic Junior High they showed us graphic videos of the lady screaming, tearing…….
My son is 2.5 years old. I made it. I had preclampsia and my blood pressure was up to 175 which meant I was a risk for seizures. The seizure medication made my temperature go through the roof.
The stigma surrounding the epidural was amazingly ignorant on behalf of many women I talked to. Their attitude was that you wont love your kid if you dont feel the pain of childbirth! and that you aren’t a real woman if you take an epidural!
Well, I was given gas – did nothing, morphine – did nothing then the man with the epidural came – I went to sleep.
I had been induced because of the preclampsia and the labour inducing med were triple the dose before the doc came in. Still nothing, then he broke my water and I was in hard back labour for 13 hours. The new young nurse would not give me a catheter so I had to continue to jump off the bed and go to the bathroom.
I still say to this day they will give you a general anethetic and put you under for almost anything now adays and it is in a hospital setting….I also read that a lady gave birth while in a coma. So why are we suffering? Because this is still a male dominated society ladies. And the ignorant women I encountered that were more women because they didn’t use an epidural are worse than the men. If a man had to push a watermelon out of his penis I bet you society would be very open to anesthetic.
Thanks for the vent.
We are hoping to have another in 1 year and I will be much more knowledgeable next time.
Oh and demanding an epidural from the start.
September 23, 2010 at 11:48 am
I had no idea there was a name for my fear…or that other women were as afraid as I am. I love children but am terrified of the birthing process. Since I am so afraid, I don’t know why I should torture myself just to conform to societal norms when there are so many children in the world without homes who I could adopt. Why create my own, when I can give love to another that is already created? Also, I do not trust the medical community…I don’t take any medications because of all of the side effects…and so I don’t like the idea of having an epidural, but according to my mom and everyone else, the only way to have a pain free child birth is by getting that huge needle in your spine…I don’t even get a flu shot…I can’t imagine getting something for pain that could end up leaving me paralyzed. Anyway, if God wants me to get pregnant, then I will, but I’m not going to try. I am, however, going to go through the process of adopting. A child doesn’t have to look like me, or my husband, or come out of my body to deserve my love.
January 11, 2013 at 5:33 pm
I’ve felt the same way you do for a long time. I can’t trace my fear of childbirth to anything in particular; as far back as I can remember it has seemed terrifying and agonizing to me. Pregnancy, as well, seemed really gross. (Have you ever seen those videos of pregnant bellies bulging and shaking with fetal movements?) And I always thought, “There are so many children in the world who need parents, why can’t I just adopt?” But the only man I’ve ever loved is adamant that he must have biological children, and I am beginning to think that my community will make me feel guilty all my life if I get married and choose not to bear children.
I have read a lot about epidurals, hypnosis for childbirth, water birth, etc. but it doesn’t seem to change the way I feel about this at all. I have talked to counselors about the fear and disgust. They don’t seem to understand or to have much help to offer. It seems so unfair to me that women have to endure this and men don’t have to give it any thought at all. It makes me angry that my boyfriend expects me to go through it just for him. I’m afraid I will die alone because I cannot seem to get past this fear.
October 13, 2010 at 6:28 pm
Here is a good article on using hypnosis to alleviate the fear of childbirth.
October 25, 2010 at 11:09 pm
It’s both relieving and saddening to know that there are other women out there who have the same fear as I do. I want children so badly but know that if I had to choose between a vaginal birth and no kids, I would just choose not to have kids. I’m afraid of the pain, the hours of vulnerability, the tearing, and most of all, of dying in the midst of all that pain and fear. I think I want a c-section, but I’m afraid of that too. I just wish I had the strength of other women, the ability to see birth as a good thing instead of a disgusting, bloody torture.
October 31, 2010 at 12:09 pm
I have enjoyed and regretted reading some of these “stories”. I am 29 and my husband and family are constantly pressuring me for a baby. I have even been given a crib and bedding! When I try to explain my fear of giving birth and my presumption that I will hate being pregnant I am told “you will be fine”. I try to think about this logically and I believe the reason for my fear is knowing I will be “stuck” with the decision. I can not undo a pregnancy and I could never face my family-or would be divorced if choosing an abortion. While I am not even crazy about the idea of raising a baby, I do enjoy the thought of having a family when I am older and after my own parents are gone, I enjoy the thoughts of having grandchildren. This fear makes me angry at myself for not being able or wanting to enjoy what everyone else around me seems to so much. At times, it makes me question my sanity. I am about as “normal” as anyone otherwise. I work full time, have my furr-kids, go to church, etc. I just can’t get past this fear and wish I could “fix” it.
October 31, 2010 at 5:59 pm
I would like to elaborate on my last post, as I ran out of time while writing it prior. There was a time last year when I thought I was ready and had talked myself into the “you can do it” mode. I immediately freaked out when I realized that I could be pregnant. I cried for a week, I couldn’t eat because my nerves made me loose my appetite. I would take a shower-or bath and just stare at my stomach trying to envision what would happen to it physically as it grew-I don’t mean getting large or having stretch marks (I don’t care about that) I was thinking how uncomfortable I was going to be and wondering how I would manage pregnancy while juggling work. I eventually miscarried very early on from worry-my thoughts anyway. Then I was consumed with guilt because I saw how elated my husband was and my mother when they thought I was as well. I lied, I said I wasn’t, I never told them what really happened. Now I entertain thoughts of secretly getting on birth control to avoid the argument with my spouse-which I know is terrible. He had asked me when we were dating if I wanted children, I said probably one day. That day hasn’t came and he reminds me of my previous words. I assumed I would, but I can’t move past my fear of “getting” the child here.
On a last note, and this might seem strange, I work in the veterinary field, I clean abscesses, go into surgery, take part in c-sections, clean up vomit, draw blood, the whole 9 yards and I love it. I have no fear of needles or blood. My fear is of being in uncontrollable pain, key word there is uncontrollable, same as the pregnancy, once I allow it to happen, I can no longer control it, I must go through it. And so far that has made me to afraid.
February 11, 2011 at 12:23 pm
I’m working on a new season of the TV series titled, “I’m pregnant and…” which will air on the Discovery Fit & Health network. We’re looking for women and families who are currently 5-7 months pregnant and dealing with the fear of childbirth.
As far as the logistics of filming, we’d film a total of 5-6 days over the course of 2-3 months (2-3 days pre-birth, the day of birth, and 1-2 days post birth). We’d follow the expectant mother and her family through their regular day-to-day routine while dealing with the ups and downs of pregnancy. We’ll also cover the labor and delivery of the baby and see the conclusion of the story through a post-delivery update. The chosen participant will be compensated monetarily for her time.
If you know anyone who may be interested, they can contact Cindy at ckittner@sirensmedia.com or call 301.920.9819. Thank you for your time!
February 4, 2011 at 1:27 pm
Wow! It is so good to hear all these different perspectives! I turned 30 recently and have been feeling like I need to start thinking about having kids – planning it out at least.
I always thought my fear of childbirth would magically disappear like my mother, aunts, and other women always said it would. Not so! It seems like after every family holiday the conservation turns to birth stories and I just have to leave the room. The idea of never having kids makes me terribly sad, but thinking about childbirth makes me feel sick to my stomach (admittedly a bit grossed out, but it mostly comes from anxiety).
It seems like previously I’ve only heard how horrible it is (health class, media, some relatives), or how beautiful/blissful/amazing it is (mostly relatives here!). Sometimes I’d get these two perspectives at the same time and it sure is hard to make sense of it! Just hearing the variety of perspectives and experiences is a comfort, though.
February 11, 2011 at 12:30 pm
I’m working on a new season of the TV series titled, “I’m pregnant and…” which will air on the Discovery Fit & Health network. We’re looking for women and families who are currently 5-7 months pregnant and dealing with the fear of childbirth.
As far as the logistics of filming, we’d film a total of 5-6 days over the course of 2-3 months (2-3 days pre-birth, the day of birth, and 1-2 days post birth). We’d follow the expectant mother and her family through their regular day-to-day routine while dealing with the ups and downs of pregnancy. We’ll also cover the labor and delivery of the baby and see the conclusion of the story through a post-delivery update. The chosen participant will be compensated monetarily for her time.
If you know anyone who may be interested, they can contact Cindy at ckittner@sirensmedia.com or call 301.920.9819. Thank you for your time!
March 30, 2011 at 4:06 pm
Hi, I stumbeld across this site and I am amazed but also relived that there are other women who have the same intense fear that I do.
I am now in my mid 20`s and have thought about having a child for a few years now. The problem is I have a such massive fear of child birth and pregnancy. My fear and phobia stemm from being severely abused for years when I was a your girl, I have since suffered from major mental health problems that have prevented me from living a normal life.
I would love to have a child of my own but even the thought of getting pregnant makes me feel physically sick with fear, The thought of having a stranger going anywhere near me down there brings on major flash backs and I couldent even imagin how messed up I would be feeling pain down there after what I went through as a child. Which is why it is so upsetting for me as I would love to have a child but I dont think I could go through not only the physical pain but also emotional pain that I would suffer with also ( I have only started to recover from my past trama after 14 years of therepy and being in the mental health system) My boyfriend of 5 years is also not very supportive of my wish to be a mother, he has a child of his own from a past relationship and he suffered from massive depression after she was born so he realy dident want anymore kids. I feel really un-happy and dont know what to do for the best, The only way I could think of having a child would be if they would let me have if by C-section ( I know it is major sergery and all the problems that go along with it) But could not give birth down there. . .I can even handle cystitis without having panic attacks and flash backs. Any help or support would be greatly recived
April 19, 2011 at 12:05 am
After reading this chat, I’m glad to know I’m not alone. I’m 37wks and still terrified of the birthing experience. I’ve just today scheduled a c-section after months of insomnia and countless panic attacks. My husband and family have tried to make me feel that I can handle a vaginal birth and I was trying to believe them, but all they really made me feel was guilty for feeling this way. Two weeks ago, I had an all day birthing/lamaze class that I cried all the way through. I missed about an hour because I was hyperventilating and hysterical. I wish that I could manage this fear which I have now started to call terror because it is completely debilitating. Even after my decision to book the c-section, I’m still afraid of all that it entails. My doctor asked me if I wanted to try to speak to a therapist, but I don’t feel I have enough time or that any relief is even possible. I want to be excited for my child’s birth because I’ve always wanted to be a mom, but my fear has so many levels or chapters. If I start to feel ok about one part of it, I soon remember the 15 other parts and feel hopeless. And, honestly, i don’t feel as at peace as I thought I would after choosing to have the c-section. No option seems good in my mind. I’ve tried prayer, logic, talking to people who loved their c-section, but there is no relief. In my mind its a tramatic, terrifying experience, but with a beautiful child as a result. Why can’t I focus on the positive in this situation? I’m scheduled for 2wks from now…. wish me luck…
April 19, 2011 at 9:48 am
soooooooooclose-
We are still very interested in profiling someone who is suffering with tocophobia for the series “I’m Pregnant And..” I know that it may sound daunting to add being on television to your mounting stress, but sometimes it works the other way. You would be able to help many other women who are suffering from the same fear by allowing them to live through it with you and hopefully overcome their own fears in the process. We can provide you the support of a therapist during the filming. If you are interested in speaking with me further about it, please email me at adoyle@sirensmedia.com.
April 20, 2011 at 12:02 am
I would be interested but my due date is may 8th and my c-section is scheduled for the week b4… so there isnt any time. ?
April 20, 2011 at 10:19 am
We could definitely make it happen, but we need to speak with you today. Please email me your number to my work email.
Thank you! -Amy
June 5, 2011 at 7:36 pm
An update on my birth… my water broke 4days before my scheduled c-section and i decided to try a vaginal birth. I have to say that all the things I was afraid really were no where near as bad as my mind envisioned them. The contractions were like period cramps and by the time they were intensifying I got my epidural (which was also not bad at all). After the epidural, I was feeling no pain down below, but the rest of my body felt completely normal. Then an hour and a half of pushing later, there was my beautiful baby girl. Piece of cake. As soon as my husband and I can get either a bigger apartment or a house, I’m going to try for a boy!
November 30, 2011 at 3:09 am
Oh my god you are awe-inspiring!! After reading about your fears and then to hear it all went down ok….. I love that you say it was all a “Piece of cake”…. you are a shining example to me!!
August 14, 2011 at 9:54 am
Thank God I stumbled upon this. After talking about my fears with several friends and my mom I was beginning to think I was seriously messed up. I just went off the pill because my husband and I decided we should start “trying”. He’s 41 and I am 33 so I guess I have gotten to a point where it’s now or never. I love the thought of having a child but not HAVING a child. I am beyond terrified. I went off the pill 2 weeks ago and have not let my poor husband near me since. I just cannot get a grip on my fear of actually becoming pregnant and then giving birth. Every morning since going off the pill I have woken up in a complete panic. Everyone’s BS comments about how lots of women do it everyday and then go on to do it again are lost on me. I really do want a child and my husband is ecstatic about the possibility. I really need to find some way to get a handle on my fears because I feel like if/when I do become pregnant I will be a complete basket case for the entire 9 months and I know that is not healthy for me or the baby. Has anyone had any luck with seeing a therapist or hypnotist? Any other suggestions on getting a handle on this? I am so relieved to see I am not alone in my fears.
October 12, 2011 at 11:59 pm
Hello everyone,
I just wanted to share something that turned me around, in case it helps anyone else out there. I used to be absolutely TERRIFIED of childbirth and I used to feel that if I ever were to get pregnant, I would choose an elective c-section. I even asked my OB/GYN to be sure this would be an option waaaaay beforehand. Then I somehow stumbled across some natural childbirth books. I read “Natural Childbirth the Bradley Way” by Susan McCutcheon and I did a complete 180. I learned how pregnancy and childbirth works NATURALLY, how it can be without all the interventions that give women such horrible experiences. I learned that there are no sudden sharp pains in labor. I learned that there are ways to help yourself stay low-risk. I learned what happens in your body during labor, that it’s simply a large muscle in your body gradually contracting (just like you can do with your bicep), getting stronger to a peak, then tapering back off. You get a break between each one. I learned that there are things you can do to avoid excess, unnecessary pain, and that there are things you can do to handle the pain that is left over after that. I learned that the pushing stage is generally not painful, and that the moment of birth is NOT excruciating. As a matter of fact, you get that burning/tingling feeling as when your leg falls asleep because as your baby’s head presses against your perineum, as long as nobody has cut you (which is almost always NOT necessary), your skin blanches white and you can see that the circulation is cut off. Plus, we were designed to stretch down there anyways. That’s why we have so much extra skin, to allow for the stretching. And if anyone thinks they won’t ever be the same down there again, think again. Do your Kegel exercises before and after birth and you won’t worry about it again. So anyways, I just wanted to say that there are a lot of myths out there surrounding childbirth, and I never would have thought I’d be here today, with one toddler who was born 100% drug-free and now 7 months pregnant with my second and looking forward to another intervention-free birth. All other animals give birth without excessive pain and suffering and we can, too, if we only take these nine months to learn how they do it. I’ve seen natural childbirth videos on youtube and I agree they would scare the crap out of anyone…but check out specifically Bradley births…they are generally more peaceful, nobody is screaming, nobody is terrified, everyone knows how to handle themselves in labor because they’ve learned about the natural process and they don’t try to “fool Mother Nature.” I realize not everyone will go for this or be helped by this, but what have you got to lose by trying? I hope this helps at least SOMEONE else as it has helped me.
November 30, 2011 at 3:02 am
Hey, reading all this has brought up a lot of issues and I wanted to share my position. I hope someone can relate to this and maybe help me.
I have recently come off the pill and am about to start trying to get pregnant for the first time. I’m 28. I don’t think I have an actual phobia of giving birth as some of the poor women here do, but I have been traumatized by watching birth videos on YouTube that I wish I’d never seen. Stupid me, trying to enlighten myself and get my head around it….
Speaking of which, the baby’s head coming out looks terrifying to me. I actually thought it was pornographic, in the way that the midwife was opening up the woman’s vagina, spreading the lips wide open. UGGHH. Sorry. I want a baby but I don’t want to have to do THAT! It is a violation of a most delicate place in a woman’s body, how can that be right?
So I have said to myself, “get a c-section and it’ll be fine”. That’s the only way I can imagine getting pregnant without it leading to a massive fear of birth. What’s crazy is that my partner agrees with me, he saw some real births on TV (edited of course) and said “sod that, don’t put yourself through it.” So… now that’s two minds to convince otherwise.
I have always been afraid of giving birth since childhood, probably more than is healthy, and I never wanted children until recently because of that fear. I can see how the media is responsible for that. But then the real life birth videos on YouTube and the UK show “One Born Every Minute” does not ease my fears AT ALL, only make my psychological fear more graphic. The only way I can imagine giving birth vaginally now is with an epidural — but now I’ve learned that can create more hideous problems… so I am very confused and think to myself a planned c-section is my only option. My sister-in-law had an emergency section and she said it was so easy and everything was fine.
Also my partner says labour must be so terrifying for the baby, with all that screaming / panting / stress going on in the mother… I have to say this is a good point!! So what exactly is best for baby? Because that will help motivate me one way or another.
Sorry for not advocating a natural birth like so many of you wonderful mums do; I think it’s so cool for those women who are brave enough to just do it (and even be empowered by it!) but I am just a wuss. Maybe I’ll return here one day with a positive first-hand birth experience and have a different story to tell. But right now it’s so hard to imagine.
For me, pain is mostly psychological, there is the physical, and the mental pain. When I get hurt or suffer pain, I blow up images in my mind of all the damage I’ve done to my body and how terrible it all is. I’ve never been to hospital in my life, never broken a bone, never needed stitches, I am just so careful because I don’t want to put my body through stress. Like I say – wuss. My friends, family and partner tells me (nicely, I guess) that I should toughen up. Maybe giving birth will “make or break” me. Although I really don’t want to live with the trauma of it “breaking” me for the rest of my life.
But, to end on a positive note (don’t want to make this page an outpouring of negativity about birth!) I must thank Laura for your comment about doing a 180 after reading about natural births. This has given me hope that maybe there is some way around this… and a little hope may be all it takes to kick start the process. I will read the book you mentioned too since it did so much for you! Thank you
If any one else has some comments about the actual process of contractions and the moment of birth that you think will ease my mind, please share!! I need to hear some good because searching the internet about giving birth is scary and doing my head in…
December 27, 2011 at 4:11 am
This is *exactly* how I feel, and *exactly* my situation too. Thank you for saying it!
March 22, 2012 at 1:25 am
how to overcome fear, how to overcome fears, how to overcome phobias…
[...]Overcoming Fear of Childbirth « Real women. Real options. Real birth.[...]…
July 1, 2012 at 1:15 pm
I am now 5 weeks pregnant and I have always been afraid to give birth. Me and my husband have been married for 7 years and I never wanted to give birth. I tried to go to conselor to overcome it and when we tried to conceive I cried everytime. Now that I am 5 weeks pregnant I’m more afraid then ever, it’s not like I don’t like kids I love kids I just didn’t want to give birth to one. Now I cry every night and I’ve called a couple doctors so far to try to find one that would be supportive and let me have options on how to deliver my baby. All I got was an attitude from them saying well you dont have a choice and why are you having one then. I really don’t know what else to do it’s gotten to the point were I lay in bed crying and depressed, sometimes to the point were i fall asleep and hope to never wake up.
I need advise and I need a really good doctor for this,
July 6, 2012 at 8:13 am
i must say all you women must think of is that you are holding a miracle.
January 6, 2013 at 4:42 am
I was thrilled to find this post and especially to read some of these comments with women much like myself! I will NOT go through childbirth, being ripped, split and torn open during the birth and then the aftermath is almost as terrible, going to the bathroom is torture and bleeding for six weeks, especially the first couple of weeks when the blood flow is outrageous and horribly painful. I LOVE children, they are the light of my life, I’m in college and about to be a teacher for goodness sake, but a long, long, long time ago when I was just 14 or 15 I decided that I would adopt. The idea of raising a child who does not look like me or my husband is amazingly more appealing to me than the idea of a biological child who would look like me. I do wish my family and friends would be more supportive, my mother actually asked me how in the world had she raised a daughter who would want “A child who doesn’t look like her and who she couldn’t possibly love as much as a biological child.” It revolts me when people tell me I will NEVER love an adopted child as much as a biological child. And of couse my “Favorite” line is “Oh you’ll change your mind one day.” Yes, of course I’m going to change my mind about having a part of my body ripped and torn open. I admire the women that go through childbirth, I think you are the bravest people on this Earth, but it just is NOT for me. I do wish some people would get that, I truly believe God puts people like me on this earth to adopt the children that need loving and stable homes just as much as any biological child does. I just wish people wouldn’t look at you like you are an alien when you explain your choices. Honestly it’s the 21st Century, it’s a woman’s choice what she does with her own body and there are so many options for women who do not want to go through the pain of pregnancy and childbirth, for those brave enough to go through the pregnancy (Which I am not) you always have the C-Section and for those who are more like me, you have adoption and if you have the resources even surrogacy! I just wish people would be more understanding towards those of us who have chosen this route ….
February 27, 2013 at 8:06 pm
I don’t think we can discuss tokophobia without mentioning the word, “patriarchy”. I was appalled by the treatment of birthing women i saw as a student nurse. I decided i would never ever let anyone speak to me or treat me that way, and it drove me to have 4 homebirths. I have supported enough women to know that homebirth too can be pretty challenging (sometimes) and even traumatic (sometimes) but it’s a thousand times less traumatic than most hospital births (most of the time). We have a patriarchal obstetric system that has destroyed midwifery and normal birth in the name of profit, and this is causing increasing birth trauma. I spoke with a pharcacologist who had to witness a birth as a student. She was so appalled that when she becamse pregnant, she opted for an elective c.s under GA. That is terrible. CS and GA both have serious risks and are part of why the MMR is rising in USA. But after seeing the treatment of women in most hospitals, I can understand exactly where she is coming from. There is the fear of actual birth itself and then there is the fear of bastardized birth, when what *can* be a wonderful, blessed and empowering peak experience in a woman’s life becomes a traumatic nightmare, because of a broken system that is destroying women and rubbishing women’s wisdom. I think that differentiating between the fear of an anti-woman birthing industry that is systematically abusing women – fear of obstetric abuse – and fear of birth itself, is important in the discussion.
March 12, 2013 at 10:49 am
I have always been terrified of giving birth. All the men I have met wanted to have children with me. I know that I am very attractive and intelligent and thus have good genes. Having good genes does bug me because I know that my kids are likely to have good attributes. However, I just cannot go through the process of giving birth. Everything about childbirth and pregnancy terrifies me- the pain, the unpredictability of certain events and the process of carrying a child for nine months. My relationships have suffered as a result of this fear.