A survey on a popular parenting website recently asked the question, “Do you think older siblings should be present at birth?” As one might imagine, the ensuing comments reflected a wide spectrum of attitudes toward childbirth. Some mothers wrote that they would like to, or even had already, shared the beautiful experience of their baby’s birth with his or her older siblings. Others wrote vehemently that the labor room was no place for a child. Here are just a few of the comments that struck me:
On the pro-sibling side –
1. My six year old daughter is very excited to attend the birth of our third baby. (We also have a 3 year old son.) She was the one who expressed interest in attending the birth. I am having the baby at a Birth Center. In this home-like setting she will be able to participate as much or as little as she likes. We have discussed the birth process at length and have even watched some videos so that she will know what to expect. I think it will be a great way for her to bond with the baby and a way to remind her that she is an important part of our family. Plus, she is a female and may have children of her own one day. How many of us have had the opportunity to attend a birth before we have our own children? I think this will help her see that having a baby is a natural thing and give her confidence when it is her turn.
2. My 2.5 year old daughter watched my 2nd daughter’s birth (it was a c-section) from start to finish from a viewing room, on the side of the operating room.
It was SO GREAT having her there (with Grandma) because it took my focus and stress away and I just loved seeing the excitement in my little girl’s eyes, as she watched her little sister come into the world.
And on the anti-sibling side: –
1. Would you let your kids watch the “making” of the baby, too??? They have NO business being in the room while the mother is giving birth! Outside waiting with a grandparent is fine, but certainly not in the same room!
2. There is no question in my family that being there wouldn’t work for my kids. My girls, 3 & 5 are very protective of Mommy. They would be completely traumatized by the birth. If they were older, I would consider it, but at their ages and with their personalities, we will leave that process to a movie in health class.
3. To expectant parents, birth is a natural and beautiful thing. To a child, it is confusing and icky and scary. I know there are a lot of people here that think their child was ok with it, but trust me, they don’t see it the same as an adult does. There are just some things you don’t show off to a child-no matter what age. My opinion: leave the children out of the delivery room and in the hands of a caregiver until the baby and mommy are more “presentable”.
And my personal favorite:
4. I think small children need to have mostly positive associations with the birth of the new sibling. They have the rest of their life to learn about real life and how their sibling really got there.
A common thread that one might expect runs through all these comments, namely, the parents who view childbirth as normal, healthy, and empowering invite their older children to witness the event, while the parents who see it as scary, traumatic, and shameful (or “icky”) do not. It’s no surprise, therefore, that the pro-sibling numbers seem to be much higher among home-birthers, since regarding childbirth as natural and healthy is a prerequisite of sorts for choosing to birth at home.
As I read through page upon page of the survey respondents explanations for their positions, an even more important distinction became apparent. The pro-sibling (dare I even call them “pro-birth”?) parents seem to recognize that they have the power to influence their children’s attitudes toward childbirth and family. Not only do they know birth is healthy, they are also raising their children to see it that way. As Kathy blogged about recently,our culture faces an epidemic of fear about birth. What better way to combat that fear in the next generation than to help them understand the inherent well-ness of birth while they are still young?
Of course, the anti-sibling parents exercise that same influence over their children’s worldview, whether or not they recognize it. As many readers commented, children are sensitive creatures. Children whose parents regard birth as scary will likely grow up scared of birth themselves, regardless of whether they witness one first-hand. The last comment, while short, says it all: To the writer, the process of birthing the baby leads to “negative associations” (which the writer, interestingly, equates to “real life” in the next sentence).
Until relatively recently in history, birth took place not in the hospital with doctors and nurses, but in the home with a midwife and female family members. By the time a woman gave birth to her first child, she had likely had the opportunity to witness several babies enter the world. Ask a pregnant woman today whether she has ever witnessed a birth in real life, and her answer will likely be “no.” Our culture has televised births (a disproportionate number of which end in cesarean), movie births (in which the deliveries are either comical or end in tragedy), and books about pregnancy and birth. Yet our direct exposure to normal birth is almost nil.
I can’t help but think that the children, especially the daughters, of the pro-sibling / pro-birth parents will have better birth experiences in adulthood than the children of the anti-sibling group. Imagine a generation of young women who were raised to recognize birth as sacred, healthy, and empowering – women whose earliest family memories include experiencing the beauty and nature of childbirth. If more girls grew up with this perspective, I believe maternity care could change dramatically in a generation.
Sadly, in this particular survey, only 27% of respondents voted to allow siblings to witness the new baby’s birth. (To be clear, there was no “maybe” option — a full 73% of those taking the survey voted “NO” to children’s presence at birth.) For those of us hoping to see dramatic changes to maternity care in the next generation or two, these numbers are discouraging.
I am convinced that those of us with positive birth experiences, those of us who recognize birth as healthy and empowering, have not just an opportunity but in fact a responsibility to share that wisdom with the next generation of mothers. I am not advocating inviting your neighbor’s children into the labor room. Yet I do advocate healthy dialogue about your healthy, positive birth stories. You don’t need to bare all the finest, most personal details. But consider sharing your views on birth, particularly your attitude toward your own birth experiences, with the young women (or even the young men) in your life. It may be just the “normal” perspective they need.
May 19, 2009 at 8:45 pm
I was a little miffed that my mom whisked my older son (along with whatever cousins were also at the house) to my sister’s house next door when I was at the point of giving birth. I had intended on him being there… but then, my husband didn’t get to make it either, so what was one more “wrong” thing? Sigh…
On to another point — it was interesting to me that one person wrote that parents wouldn’t want the children to see the “making” of the baby. That may be true, but I daresay this woman would not use the same analogy to say that she shouldn’t have a doctor/midwife and/or labor nurses in the room during labor and birth, just because “you wouldn’t let them watch the making of the baby!”
May 20, 2009 at 7:32 am
Very interesting, and your assessment rings true for me. If I were to have another baby (which I’m not
, I’d love to have my kids there for some of it. My daughter was almost 3 when my son was born, and we did not plan to have her attend – she identifies very strongly with me, and I thought my discomfort would be too hard for her to deal with. She’s a very sensitive child.
But, as children of a childbirth educator though, they definitely have a different perspective on birth from most kids. They both know the birth process and have screened videos with me (by choice), looked at books with intense interest etc. We call birth “the hard work” at my house, and anytime we go by one of their hospitals (a few times a year), we talk about the hard work & joy of when we got to meet them!
May 20, 2009 at 11:21 pm
As a Doula and Mother of 6, my children know a lot about birth. My 5 girls have each been in attendance at one or more of their siblings’ births. By the time I had my last child 3 yrs ago, birth had become a ‘family event’ for us.
My kids were so upset at the thought that they might not make it home in time for the birth of their new sibling… I had kids attending 3 different schools, and so I had several plans for the big day. As it turned out, I went into labor early on a Saturday morning. We did have to go retrieve 2 of the kids from various neighbors homes (they’d had sleepover’s).
Along with my own family, we also had my oldest daughters’ best friend attend the birth as well. She is the 8th of 10 children. Her mother certainly did not shy away from birth (and had a couple of them at a birth center with a CNM). I also invited several of my friends as well as a photographer, and MW’s. We had a packed house. My husband ‘caught’ our baby. My oldest was in the birth pool with me holding me up and physically supporting me… My other children did things like rub my back, wipe my forehead, with a cold cloth, get me drinks, and hold my hand. Just by being there with me and for me, they were helpful and made me feel loved and supported.
I Love that all my kids were very involved in the whole labor and birth, and felt a part of the process. I Love that my girls (and hopefully one day my son) know that birth is a beautiful, natural process. I hope that they will be able to remember that (and other births they may have also been privileged to be a part of), and not have the fear that is so common/prevalent today in our society about birth. I hope and pray for them to have the opportunity to have their own beautiful, empowering births one day.
I love that the author noted that the people who felt kids could/should be involved with births, felt that birth was normal. I think that is enlightening, and so true. I wish more people had a better perception of birth, and could pass that confidence on to their children and our future generations. We all hear too many horror stories when it comes to birth. Our world would be a much better place if women could feel supported and encouraged in birth and had confidence in themselves, and in the birth process, rather than perpetuating the broken system we have now.
May 21, 2009 at 3:13 pm
I think each family has to do what works for them. Being a childbirth instructor my kids have grown up with birth. Our two oldest witnessed our third child born when they were 5 and 3 1/2, we told them they could be there, they could walk out, they didn’t have to look, they could do what was comfortable for them. When the time came they both came running to watch. My 3 year old son started to cry after our son was born because he saw blood and saw me crying, when I told him they were “happy tears” he and our daughter went out of the room and both came back with a cup of water saying “Mommy you must be thirsty after all that work.” I asked our 5 year old daughter what she thought of the birth and she said “It was the most beautiful thing she had seen.” Now, fast forward to our sixth child’s birth, we planned to have all the kids there, but they got tired and went to sleep (it was the middle of the night) and wanted us to wake them when the baby came. Our oldest son who was then 11, wouldn’t leave the room, he sat in the corner and then about 30 minutes before our daughter was born he suddenly came up on the bed and put his hands around mine as I had a contraction and said “Mom, you are doing so good and I am so proud of you.” A short time later I had a overwhelming urge to push, no time to wake the other kids (she came in 5 minutes) our oldest daughter woke up in time to walk in to see her sister come out. Our son still says (he is 22) that he was the first to see his little sister’s face, as I birthed on my side and she was posterior, he has a special bond with his little sister (I pity the boy that dates her with 4 big brothers!). I asked our oldest daughter what she thought of this birth (she was 13) and she now said of birth, “It is still beautiful, but it is a lot of hard work.”
May 21, 2009 at 7:00 pm
I love this! We often don’t hear of boys being as ‘compassionate’ as girls. How wonderful that your son, at 11 yrs old, was so compassionate and encouraged the hard work you were doing to birth his sister. What a wonderful husband and father he will be to some lucky girl!